WICCANS DECRY ‘WAR AGAINST SOLSTICE’
Wiccan Coven Association President Ozrius Ravenclaw announced today
that his group would continue a formal economic boycott against
several major US retailers “until they cease their relentless and
cowardly attack on the Solstice.”
Retailers affected by the boycott include Target, WalMart, Dollar
General, Mills Fleet Farm, Victoria’s Secret, AutoZone, and Hy Vee.
“This is ‘Political Correctness’ gone crazy. Where ever you shop these
days, it seems like it’s ‘Happy Holidays’ or ‘Seasons Greetings,’”
said Ravenclaw, who was formerly known as Chuck Sundergard. “Whatever
happened to a good old fashioned ‘All Glory to Gaia’ or ‘Jhakkaa
Tractor Supply Company spokesman Kevin Neves denied accusations that
his company instructed sales clerks not to use traditional Wiccan
“We welcome everybody to TSC, regardless of how they celebrate the
season,” said Neves. “We even stock a nice assortment of seasonal
animal sacrifice altars, back in Lawn & Garden.”
I’m a Wiccan. Been one for thirty years. (Yeah, yeah, “I was a
Wiccan before it was cool…”). Now, if I were the kind of humorless
gink at which Iowahawk is aiming, I’d be spluttering with indignation at
this insensitive and hurtful fling at my personal religion thing.
But you know what? I think it’s pretty funny.
See, unlike most members of huge evil monotheistic death cults, I
understand that serious is deadly. Any spiritual tradition that can’t
laugh at itself, that can’t step outside its own dogmas and admit how
absurd it can look from the outside, has already become a cancer.
If you notice that damn few religions can pass this test, you’re
getting the idea. There aren’t more than a handful fit to take up room
in a sane human being’s head. Thankfully, Wicca is still one of them.
It hasn’t become deadly serious. Yet, anyway.
Of course, Iowahawk isn’t actually flinging at Wicca at all. He’s
using the entirely fictional “Ozrius” as a reductio ad absurdam of Christian conservatives
who really do behave like this. Joke ‘em if they can’t take a fuck.
I take issue with his satire on only one minor technical point.
What’s up with this “Jhakkaa Solztovo” nonsense? Everybody
knows the correct greeting in the name of Cthulhu is “Ia! Ia! Cthulhu
R’lyeh fhtagn!” Harrumph…you’re never
going to successfully invoke any hideous all-devouring Elder Gods if you
keep that up…