No War For Magnetite!

I contemplete this
news story
:

Earth’s north magnetic pole is drifting away from North America and
toward Siberia at such a clip that Alaska might lose its spectacular
Northern Lights in the next 50 years, scientists said Thursday.

The story goes on to say “exactly why this happens is a mystery”.
No it isn’t, or no it won’t be as soon as the unenlightened masses grasp the
truth: It’s all George Bush’s fault for not ratifying the Kyoto treaty.

You see, Halliburton has plans for making huge profits in the
navigational-equipment market. The pole shift is a nefarious
neoconservative plot to make all existing compasses obsolete. Mwa ha
ha. But you can stop it — just hook up with your local pathetic
Communist-remnant organization and take to the streets screaming “No
war for magnetite!”

(The preceding is satire. Any resemblance to actual moonbat conspiracy
theories is not coincidental in the slightest.)

16 thoughts on “No War For Magnetite!

  1. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! What’s going to happen when the North Pole bends all they way down to the South Pole? Which way will water spin down the drain? Will my Britney Spears CD’s still work? There ought to be a law to prevent this pole shift stuff from happening before the Russians have control.

  2. It’s sad that there are so many idiots out there that you have to put the “…preceding is satire…” bit in at the end. I was a frequent satirist in the school newspaper when I was in high school and college. I, and my editor, got so tired of explaining in the next issue that my articles were satirical that I eventually succumbed to a disclaimer statement, too, but that ruined all delight in writing satire for me. For me that was the whole point of writing satire: speaking to those who get it and laughing at those who don’t. I’m guessing you decided to throw that in because you’re too busy to send out a form e-mail to anyone who doesn’t have a three-digit IQ. Oh, wait. IQ isn’t REALLY any kind of guide as to someone’s ability to get a joke or understand satire. Pardon me for that culturally biased diatribe.

  3. No, no, no. It’s obviously one of the many sign that Jesus is definitely coming back soon. Repent, or the zombies will get you!

  4. It’s sad that there are so many idiots out there that you have to put the “…preceding is satire…” bit in at the end.

    To tell the truth, Eric probably *could* get away without it in this instance. But when company names are brought into it, a lot of people seem to think it worth flagging as satire just in case. Nothing worse than a lawyer with a sense of humour failure.

    I like this example – of course, as it’s poking fun at family values conservatives I’m sure your mileage will vary.

  5. Hi Eric,

    Cheney owns stock options in Halliburton that have become worth $9 million during the last few years (please google this yourself). I don’t see how this is not an egregious conflict of interest. He has promised to donate the money to charity, but he has not done so, and who knows if he really will.

  6. Hal,

    I’ve heard that argument many times (or similar ones). While I’m no expert in this, here is my understanding of it –

    Halliburton is not the devil incarnate, as many seem determined to make it out to be. (Neither is Cheney, for that matter.) Halliburton is, in fact, one of the world’s pre-eminent oil exploration companies; in some areas, its expertise is head and shoulders above everyone else.

    As such, it doesn’t surprise me that, for some jobs that needed doing in Iraq — particularly with respect to oil infrastructure — Halliburton might well have been, not just the logical choice, but perhaps the only rational choice.

    When a job that’s important to you needs doing, don’t you want it done by the best qualified people? Even if you could be accused of choosing them for less than ideal reasons?

    By the way, you might want to dig a bit deeper and see where Cheney’s Halliburton income is from. You seem to be assuming that it’s all entirely due to Halliburton profits, hand over fist, entirely from work in Iraq. Halliburton does quite a bit of work elsewhere… and, as I understand it, earns the bulk of its profits outside Iraq.

    Unfortunately, we long ago reached a point where Halliburton’s name cannot be raised in polite company without becoming a joke (Eric) or a conspiracy theory (Hal). It’s like saying Monica Lewinsky, or Lorena Bobbitt; once the name is invoked, rational discourse (and sometimes thought as well) comes screeching to a halt. That’s a pity, because the company has some good things to recommend it… but that tends to get lost in the noise.

    Nice satire, Eric. Personally, I think it’s a nefarious plot by Hasbro. The magnetic North Pole will veer sharply towards Siberia, then swing back towards Canada, then make some slow lazy circles before veering off again… until the world finally realizes, to its collective horror, that our planet is a Weeble. (Fortunately, Weebles wobble, but the don’t fall down.)

    respectfully,
    Daniel in Brookline

  7. Wait a second … do you mean to say that my magnetic compass *DOES NOT* really point toward the Noth Pole? And it continues to vary over time? How do we deal with this?!! Maybe somebody should come up with something like …, I dunno …, a deviation or som’p’n. Hey, maybe they could print it on maps and charts. That might just work.

  8. Daniel,

    Thanks for your respectful reply. Please google for “Bunny Greenhouse Halliburton” and you can read for yourself that a carreer Army contract negotiator was unwilling to sign off on one of Halliburton’s contracts without annotating that it was the most egregious in her experience.

    Further, think about the various services that you pay for, and then consider how well you’d be served by a “cost plus” contract, which Halliburton has. In other words they make money by buying parts and equipment. They’ve been caught in numerous violations — serving rotten food and billing for meals never served are the only two that come to mind, but please google this for yourself.

    Again, Cheney has made a fortune off of his Halliburton stock options during this conflict. There is no question about the impropriety of this, given his role.

    Why do you call this a conspiracy theory?

    Respectfully,
    Hal

  9. Hal, don’t believe everything you see on the Internet. And remember, Googling a term will return things on the Internet.

    I mean, if you Google “Elvis Lives” you’re going to see a lot of claims that just aren’t true.

    /* Again, Cheney has made a fortune off of his Halliburton stock options during this conflict. There is no question about the impropriety of this, given his role.
    */

    Except that Cheney has donated all future profits from his Halliburton stock to charity ( http://www.factcheck.org/article261.html — “That still would leave the possibility that Cheney could profit from his Halliburton stock options if the company’s stock rises in value. However, Cheney and his wife Lynne have assigned any future profits from their stock options in Halliburton and several other companies to charity. And we’re not just taking the Cheney’s word for this — we asked for a copy of the legal agreement they signed. … The ‘Gift Trust Agreement’ the Cheney’s signed two days before he took office turns over power of attorney to a trust administrator to sell the options at some future time and to give the after-tax profits to three charities. … The agreement states that it is “irrevocable and may not be terminated, waived or amended,” so the Cheney’s can’t take back their options later.” ).

    The only money Cheney received is back pay — a tax planning technique used by rich people. AFAICT, he’s keeping the stock so he can have a say in Halliburton’s board. Maybe the Democrats shouldn’t bo working so hard to change the law to strengthen stockholders under some concept of “corporate social responsibility.”

  10. Hmmm.

    sigh.

    Cheney evil. Halliburton bad. Ok. I’m glad you discovered Google. Thank you.

  11. Here’s what I find interesting about the whole thing (not Halliburton, the magnetic poles): Scientists are saying not only that the pole is moving, but that the strength of Earth’s magnetic field is weakening, and at a disturbing rate. We know that several times in Earth’s history the poles have swapped, North for South, and it is believed that the field decreases to nearly zero during the transition period. We’re overdue for another swap. We know, further, that the Earth’s magnetic field shields us from most of the sun’s dangerous ionizing radiation, so being without that field for any period of time is a BAD thing, mmkay?

    So why aren’t the environmentalist wackos insisting that we DO SOMETHING about this?

    Because it’s blindingly apparent that MAN can’t be the CAUSE of it, I think.

    Unless some academic wants to put forward the theory that the magnetic field is decaying due to all the steel cars on the road today. Another “Blame the SUV” meme!

    I wouldn’t put it past them.

  12. Hmmm.

    What is even more disturbing is that the period of magnetic instability in the Van Allen Belt is supposed to last for a few *thousand* years. I.e. if it happened in 2010 it might take until 5010 for the Earth’s magnetic fields to settle down.

    Heeelllloooooo SPF-2000!!

  13. Cheney owns stock options in Halliburton that have become worth $9 million during the last few years (please google this yourself). I don’t see how this is not an egregious conflict of interest. He has promised to donate the money to charity, but he has not done so, and who knows if he really will.

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