Where’s Tom Wolfe when you need him?

The Ananova site brings us this little gem:

Baseball star’s wife makes ultimate threat

The wife of a top US baseball player has vowed to have sex with all of
his team mates if he ever cheats on her.

Anna Benson, a former model and stripper who was named Baseball’s
Hottest Wife by FHM, is married to Mets pitcher Kris Benson.

She told Howard Stern’s radio show: “I told him, cheat on me all
you want. If you get caught, I’m going to s***w everybody on your
entire team. Coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his
whole team.”

Stern, egging her on, asked: “Even the coaches? What about, like, the
bat boys?”

“Everybody would get a turn,” Anna pledged. “If my husband cheated on
me and embarrassed me like that, I will embarrass him more than he
could ever imagine.”

Uh huh. I see that, somehow, this woman managed to have a
career as a “model and stripper” without developing the faintest shred
of a clue how men think or respond to a challenge like this.

Bet on it. Somehere, a coalition of the most unattractive
no-hopers in the Mets organization — probably organized by some
dude with a beer gut, bad breath, and a bread-dough complexion who
harbors a long-simmering lust for the wench — is now organizing
a pool with which to engage the foxiest hookers in the Big Apple to
waylay her husband. What a pitch! Throw $50 in the kitty and
“Baseball’s Hottest Wife” will bang you too!

Think of it…everywhere Kris Benson goes, hired hotties in thongs,
lingerie, and leather will be lying in wait for him. They’ll hit on
him in bars and materialize unaccountably in his hotel room after away
games. They’ll try to give him blow jobs in taxis. Confederates
with cameras will lurk nearby.

I’m not sure which would be funnier…the version in which hubby
succumbs to some soiled lily’s charms and wifey screws her way through
the team before making an “Eeeew!” of disgust at the instigator and
splitting for Cancun with the hunky batboy? Or perhaps the version in
which hubby is cornered, hands over his crotch, by a gaggle of
rapacious prostitutes who decide they’re not being paid enough for
this shit and turn on organizer-dude to rend him limb from limb like
some posse of latter-day Bacchantes.

O the humanity. O the satirical-novel possibilities!

UPDATE: My wife Cathy, who is an actual woman, comments “You have to
wonder about her motives for making a threat like this in public. Me,
I suspect that doing the whole team is her fantasy…”

8 thoughts on “Where’s Tom Wolfe when you need him?

  1. If he wanted to respond in kind: File for divorce, cheat on her before the papers are finalized, tell her about it with a “bring it on” sort of attitude, then go on Howard Stern’s show and call her on not sleeping with the entire team when she gives up halfway through. Or he could just divorce her and marry a woman who isn’t insane.

  2. I think she deserves to have him cheat on her. If you don’t trust your spouse and you go on public radio and make comments that you sleep with everyone other guys will set him up just to sleep with the former stripper who brags about her wild sex life. She is a slut. If you are so in to your man you keep your sex life private. she deserves to have him cheat.I hope he does and she gets humiliated. She is in love with herself. She she go back to her former life as a stripper. She obviously likes the attention and wants to be caught in the act. kent d.

  3. Here is an interesting thought: Maybe she has him wearing a CB2000 everywhere he goes and the two are using the media in devilishly initimate little game.

    >She is a slut. If you are so in to your man you keep your sex life private.
    Right, well maybe the traditional viel of Christian weddings dictate this, but its hardly law, and its increasingly less common. In today’s climate I question the meaning of marriage beyond its use as a flag on your tax forms, Whats divorce really gonna do for her, get more press? In any case, marriage means different things to different people. Seems like Kent might enjoy feeding others their morality. The trick is, usually the man is the one running off with the sex workers and the woman turning the blind eye. I just got back from a country where its male inhabitants don’t think twice about supporting the perfectly legal Polish and Russian sex slave industry but if a woman wants to score with five men per week she will be a social outcast at best. Or maybe they just learn her real good, Texas style- Throw the slut in a hole and pummel her with rocks till the bones in her face are so broken no one will look at her again.

    So, yeah, as much as I don’t love Howard Stern, I’m not going to blame the girl for talking about something that soooo many guys practice.
    In any case, maybe the world would be a better place if we all layed down 500 lines of GPL’d code every time we catch ourselves taking in interest in Howard Stern.

  4. See? This is what happens to us when whe think with our dicks and not with our brains. She’s got Benson in a noose. and it’s slowly tightening. If he’s not embarrased yet, he should be. He’s allowed a pair of EEs and a good blow job to cloud his naive mind. I guarantee you, if she hasn’t sucked off the whole team yet, she’s got a least half.

    Here’s this slut, genius from FHM Magazine’s website:

    Baseball’s hottest wife has more curves than any bullpen can handle.

    When your team is destined to finish below .500 and live in the shadow of the crosstown Yankees, you need to find other ways of drawing in fans. Apparently, giving away Mike Piazza bobbleheads and Hello Kitty dolls wasn’t doing the trick, so this past summer the management of the Mets traded for the Pittsburgh Pirates’ former No. 1 draft pick Kris Benson. In Benson, they not only got a solid starter to help an aging staff, but they got his voluptuous wife, Anna. Surely the team brass knew of her outspokenness, Georgia charms and extracurricular antics before they made the trade, right? The Met players sure did.

    Is Shea Stadium the worst place to have sex?
    We haven’t had sex at Shea yet. We’ve done Three Rivers, PNC Park and the Pirates’ spring-training camp. We really like the highway. Kris’s two-seat Ferrari is small quarters for sex, but there’s other stuff to do. I think all couples do things like that; they just don’t talk about it.

    Has he ever gone Bull Durham and worn your underwear?
    No, but for Christmas, I gave him pictures of me naked in his jersey. He was thrilled. Any guy who gets naked pictures from his girl will lose it. Baseball has the hottest uniforms. I love their tight pants.

    How exciting is the actual game?
    Three and a half hours a day, for 162 days, of fucking baseball is a lot of boredom. There’s nothing to do, so I come up with fantasies. Owning a team would be fun. I’d have rules about cheating on your wife because that’s out of control. One, they wouldn’t be going out and getting hammered every night. Two, I’d allow wives on road trips so players aren’t chasing ass all night. And I’d always be in the locker room. If I’m paying them millions to play for me, I should be able to watch them walk around naked. I don’t think they’d object. Men will show that thing to anybody.

    Who would be the first players you traded for?
    Mark Mulder, Rickie Sexton, Barry Zito, Jeff Weaver—he’s a cutie pie.
    How close are you to the other wives?
    We don’t have slumber parties. I don’t even know any of the Mets wives yet. Wives never get the credit we deserve. Baseball should worship us for what we do for their talent. When Kris had Tommy John surgery, he couldn’t move his arms for a week. Every time he went to the bathroom, I had to help him. Plus, he couldn’t hold down his pain medication. We were flying home from the hospital and we had to squeeze into the plane’s bathroom together so I could stick suppositories up his ass to keep him from throwing up.

    How did you celebrate his return?
    I probably got hammered. I’m usually hammered anyway. If he’s doing well after two innings, I just party. Kris gets so pissed after every game because he’ll come get me and I’m wasted. I won’t even know who won.

  5. Who the hell is Jonathan to judge what another poster posts anyway? Get a brain and a life, you pompous little twat

  6. “If she walk not by your side, cut her away from you.” Personally, I think she is controlling, manipulative, and therefore, he should get rid of her, and leave her to her base desires. He can find someone with lady like qualities, moral fiber, and honor.

  7. Well, i think she’s right.
    she’s a really smart woman because she knows a great way to stop her man from cheating on her.
    through her past, she understands very well how men think n how they can be controlled.
    its like reverse psychology.

    ======================================================================

    -nit01

    http://www.hookup-tonite.com

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