{"id":8434,"date":"2019-08-17T20:22:29","date_gmt":"2019-08-18T00:22:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/?p=8434"},"modified":"2019-08-18T08:25:33","modified_gmt":"2019-08-18T12:25:33","slug":"how-the-d-candidates-would-introduce-themselve-at-the-next-debate-if-they-were-honest","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/?p=8434","title":{"rendered":"How the D candidates would introduce themselves at the next debate if they were honest"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Joe Biden.  I&#8217;m the perfect apparatchik &#8211; no principles, no convictions, and no plan.  I&#8217;m senile, and I have a problem with groping children. But vote for me anyway because orange man bad.<\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Kamala Harris. My white ancestors owned slaves, but I use the melanin I got from my Indian ancestors to pretend to be black. My own father has publicly rebuked me for the pandering lies I tell.  I fellated my way into politics; put me into the White house so I can suck even more!<\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Elizabeth Warren.  Even though I&#8217;m as white as library paste, I pretended to be an American Indian to get preferment. My research on medical bankruptcies was as fraudulent as the way I gamed the racial spoils system. So you should totally trust me when I say I&#8217;m &#8220;capitalist to my bones&#8221;!<\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Bernie Sanders. I honeymooned in the Soviet Union. I&#8217;m an unreconstructed, hammer-and-sickle-worshiping Communist.<\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Kirsten Gillibrand. I used to be what passes for a moderate among Democrats &#8211; I even supported gun rights. Now I&#8217;ve swung hard left, and will let you just guess whether I ever had any issue convictions or it was just pandering all the way down. Tee-hee!<\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Amy Klobuchar, and I&#8217;ve demonstrated my grasp on the leadership skills necessarily for the leader of the Free World by being notoriously abusive towards my staff.<\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Robert Francis O&#8217;Rourke. I&#8217;m occupying the &#8220;imitate the Kennedy&#8221; lane in this race, and my credentials for it include DUI and fleeing an accident scene. The rumors that I&#8217;m a furry are false; the rumors that I&#8217;m a dimwitted child of privilege are true. But vote for me anyway, crucial white-suburban-female demographic, because I have such a <em>winning<\/em> smile!<\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Pete Buttigieg. I was such a failure as the mayor of South Bend that my own constituents criticize me for having entered this race, but the Acela Corridor press loves me because I&#8217;m fashionably gay.  And how right they are; any candidate you choose is going to bugger you up the ass eventually, but <em>I&#8217;ll<\/em> do it like an <em>expert!<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Bill de Blasio. I&#8217;m as Communist as Bernie, but I hide it better. And if Pete thinks  <em>his<\/em> constituents don&#8217;t want him in this race? Hold&#8230;my&#8230;beer!<\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Cory Booker, and I&#8217;m totally not gay. OK, maybe I&#8217;m just a little gay. My city was a shithole when I was elected and I&#8217;ve done nothing to change that; I&#8217;m really just an empty suit with a plausible line of patter, especially the &#8220;I am Spartacus&#8221; part.  But you should totally vote for me because I&#8217;m&#8230;what was the phrase?  Oh, yeah.  &#8220;Clean and articulate.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Marianne Williamson. If elected, I will redecorate the White House so it has proper feng shui.  I am the sanest and least pretentious person on this stage. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Hi, I&#8217;m Joe Biden. I&#8217;m the perfect apparatchik &#8211; no principles, no convictions, and no plan. I&#8217;m senile, and I have a problem with groping children. But vote for me anyway because orange man bad. Hi, I&#8217;m Kamala Harris. My white ancestors owned slaves, but I use the melanin I got from my Indian ancestors&hellip; <a class=\"more-link\" href=\"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/?p=8434\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">How the D candidates would introduce themselves at the next debate if they were honest<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8434","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-politics","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8434","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8434"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8434\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8441,"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8434\/revisions\/8441"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8434"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8434"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/esr.ibiblio.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8434"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}